Tag: Eating Disorders

Dealing with the Difficult Disconnect

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‘I’m sure my arms look bigger than they did yesterday.

‘My thighs are chunkier too.

‘I can’t even bring myself to look at my stomach and these jeans buttoned up much easier than this a few weeks ago.’

These are the thoughts I had this weekend, catching sight of myself in the mirror and feeling my heart sink at the reflection staring back.

Why are these extra pounds clinging like this? Why is my face so much rounder? And most importantly…how on earth am I supposed to cope with how difficult this feels?

I’m almost three years into an eating disorder recovery programme and assumed I’d experienced all of the many emotions it could throw at me. The anxiety, the low mood, hopelessness and the frustration and impossibility of making the necessary improvements. It’s all been an uphill struggle and the hardest battle I’ve had to fight.

However what shouts loudest now is a feeling of confusion and disconnect – how can I look ‘better‘ yet feel so much worse?

Negative thoughts flooded my mind as I fought back the tears of some of the worst sorrow I’ve ever known. I just wanted to escape this shell that now feels unfamiliar, unwelcome and as if it’s taking up too much space.

Shouldn’t I be over this by now? I’ve spent the last 12 months gradually gaining weight and thought I’d tackled these thoughts and feelings of resentment and anger. Why are they still causing me such grief? When will my head catch up with my body and feel more in sync, instead of this horrible gap between mental and physical progress?

With so many questions buzzing around my mind, I also worried what others would think. Would they stare at me as they tried to work out why I looked different? Would they make innocent comments that I’d twist and take offence to? Will I get rejected by people including the support services that have brought me this far? I’m not ready to cope alone…

The truth is I don’t have the answers. I’m sure there are many people in similar positions right now who will identify with all that I’ve described. It’s not easy to know how to deal with the mix of emotions this disconnect causes.

What I can do though, is keep reminding myself of the following pearls of wisdom that friends and professionals have shared me recently:

  • This is common – many people in ED recovery will go through this exact same process and so I/we are not alone in feeling like our bodies are wrong and minds are right.
  • The vision is skewed – when you’re hypersensitive to bodily changes, you’re more likely to exaggerate and skew them in your mind. The image that you see of yourself is likely to be much larger than you truly appear to others.
  • It can take months to adjust to weight restoration – a therapist told me that many people can take up to six months at a steady higher weight until they start to feel more accepting and comfortable with it.
  • You are more than a body – even if I do feel too big or unhappy with my shape, my appearance is only one small element of my overall existence. What I look like has nothing to do with my character, values and relationships which are all far more important to me long term anyway.
  • Recovery isn’t comfortable – nobody said this was easy. It was always going to be very hard to undo rituals and behaviours that have taken years to root themselves in. Accepting and preparing for difficult days ahead will hopefully lessen the impact they have when they come.
  • It gets better – everything feels harder when it is new and it’s the same with weight gain. Those first signs of a fuller face or rounder stomach will be hard to take but time will heal the upset they cause as the mind adjusts.

Keep going!

G x

Five big misconceptions about eating disorders

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“Eating disorders are just about vanity.”

“If you have an eating disorder you just want to be thin.”

“Eating disorders are a way of getting control.”

Recognise any of these? Heard them before?

I’ve lived with an eating disorder for over ten years now and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard or read comments about my condition which are simply untrue.

I don’t blame the people who made them; it can be hard enough understanding such complex disorders when you have one yourself, let alone when you don’t. But it strikes me that many people without lived experience of ED’s simply don’t see the full picture.

Whilst everyone has their own individual opinions or pre-conceived ideas of what eating disorders are, the following are just a few I’ve heard that I’d like to try and correct…

“People with eating disorders hate food”

One of the most common misconceptions about people with ED’s is that we all hate food and having to eat it – but this is really not the case.

I’m not doubting that at times we’ve all believed our lives would be easier if food didn’t exist, but it’s not true that we hate food. If anything, it’s our enjoyment of food, and the feeling of deprivation this brings, that gives us our biggest challenge yet hugest high.

If we truly hated food it wouldn’t mean anything to us to control our intake in one way or another and we would all be using a different coping strategy to deal with our emotions. We use food to manage the difficulties in our lives and as an attempt to feel safe and more able to cope – not because we hate it.

“People with eating disorders just want to be thin”

Absolutely not. Very few sufferers set out to be thin or look unwell, it’s an unfortunate by-product of the disorder.

Quite often, something has taken place in our lives that we struggle to deal with so we use our food consumption, and sometimes exercise levels, to manage our fears, anxieties and emotions. It’s almost like a crutch or a comfort blanket to turn to whilst life is rocky and uncertain and can also be a great distraction.

Whilst it’s not the intention, it can be impossible to avoid looking different in one way or another at this time. If you feel the need to restrict your food intake or eat excessively, it will begin to alter the way you look. We don’t necessarily want to impact our appearance – it’s just unavoidable when carrying out these behaviours.

That’s certainly not to say we don’t find it incredibly hard to see the scales change or watch our bodies fluctuate but it’s not the case that eating disorders are all about looking thin.

“People with eating disorders are just doing it for attention”

More often than not, the opposite is true. A person may be struggling with the attention they are receiving or a difficult situation they might find themselves in and cling to disordered behaviour to manage the anxiety that this brings.

Many people with ED’s report wanting to ‘disappear’ and hide themselves away, feeling inferior to others or like they don’t want to be seen. Confidence is usually very low at this time and it’s common for sufferers to become introverted and struggle to socialise.

I know when my difficulties have been at their peak, I’ve found it easier to push people away for fear of causing upset, disappointment or conflict. It can be a very lonely and isolating condition.

So it really isn’t right to believe that those of us with eating disorders are doing it to get the attention of others because it’s actually one of the most secretive and private mental health problems you can have.

“People with eating disorders are either underweight or overweight”

One of the biggest difficulties with eating disorders is that so often if you can’t see the problem you assume it isn’t there.

Although it can be incredibly hard to identify what exactly a ‘normal’ body looks like, many believe that unless you look too thin or too large, you can’t possibly have a problem with food. Or at least not a very serious one.

Sadly many of us struggle to get the support we so desperately need because our difficulties don’t sufficiently affect our weight or BMI.

Just because you can’t see a problem it doesn’t mean it’s not there so please listen to what we say and try to understand. The mental struggle can be unbearable without it affecting our appearance too drastically but that certainly doesn’t mean we’re not suffering.

“People with eating disorders can just snap out of it”

When my eating disorder first took hold, I genuinely believed that I had the power to stop it whenever I wanted.

I thought I was in the driving seat and completely in control of my food intake and exercise levels. How wrong I was.

I spent over a year months becoming deeply engrained in my strict and ritualistic behaviours, centering each day around food restriction and achieving physical activity goals. It became a way of life that proved impossible to stop and almost two years on I still battle the urges everyday, going a few steps forward and then a few back.

It’s a very slow process and one of the hardest challenges of my life. I wish more than anything that I could snap out of it and just eat normally without the constant dialogue in my head making me feel guilty.

I have hope I will get there, and I’m accessing support which is slowly altering my mindset. However it’s certainly not something I nor anyone I know have found easy to put an end to or felt able to snap out of.

Education is the key to helping so many people feel more understood and hopefully this blog will help those caring for someone with an eating difficulty to think about it differently.

G x

Five great things about support groups

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“I think a support group could help me but I’m too scared to go” thought I, in the run up to attending my first ever group for support with my eating disorder.

Some friends had told me about this brilliant local charity that helps those with disordered eating so I researched them online and, whilst they looked like exactly what I needed, I still had doubts.

“Will they understand what’s happening to me?”

“Is my problem severe enough for me to go?”

“Will it be like Alcoholics Anonymous?!”

Yes, I genuinely did think that last one! But I needn’t have worried – it was all I could have hoped for and more and remains one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

As soon as I walked through those magic doors, I felt instantly welcomed and included. I had never been in the company of so many people who not only understand my difficulties with food, but who have actually experienced them first-hand. It was like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

Five years on and emerging from Covid restrictions, our face to face groups are gradually returning which is so good to see and incredibly reassuring. Some are still taking place virtually which is helpful as it makes for a good mix and something to please everyone.

Here are my top five reasons to give group support a try if you think you or a loved one could benefit…

The staff

Each group I have attended was run by a member of staff who has first-hand experience of eating disorders or caring for somebody with one. Their expertise shines through all they do and they are the best people to listen, understand and advise those in the group. Peer support is incredibly key and visible in this environment and it really helps us to feel less alone.

The topics

Each group topic is selected by staff, volunteers or service users themselves and is a relevant, important factor in the eating disorder recovery journey. They focus on goal setting, identity, emotions and relationships amongst other subjects and really help us to understand our situation more deeply. We also do fun activities like crafts and quizzes and occasionally go out to nearby parks and events.

The people

Not only are the staff great empathisers but the other attendees in the group are some of the most understanding and supportive people I have ever met too. We all listen to each other without judgement and offer tips and advice from our experiences. I’ve learnt so much from the people I have met at the support groups and best of all, made friends for life.

The positivity

You would be forgiven for assuming that an eating disorder support group could be a pretty dismal place but that could not be further from the truth. The staff ensure the mood is light and whilst each topic is delivered sensitively, they appreciate we all need some light relief from our difficulties sometimes. We always leave on a positive note, feeling motivated to try something new and really glad that we came.

The feedback

Most organisations run regular feedback sessions to make sure the support groups are in line with the service users’ needs and requirements. These can take place in the groups themselves and evaluate everything from the topics covered, the timings, the delivery and format of the groups. The staff leave the room to allow everyone the opportunity to discuss freely and without hesitation, ensuring the true feelings of the service users are aired and acted upon.

It’s completely understandable to feel daunted but I would urge anybody struggling to consider group support as an option for recovery. It may be the most reassuring, heart-warming and inclusive thing you ever do.

G x

Keeping motivated in recovery

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They say patience is a virtue and you certainly need it in spades during eating disorder recovery. 

I recently attended a workshop where the facilitator announced that the average recovery time for an individual with an eating disorder is seven years, making them one of the longest lasting mental health conditions. 

It’s common for us to suffer both physical and mental hardship, with the challenging symptoms and effects needing a great deal of time and commitment to improve. 

When someone experiences a restrictive disorder, there’s a high chance they will need to spend months weight restoring before they are healthy enough to engage in a structured recovery programme. Lapses and relapses can also sometimes occur, meaning the sufferer goes through a setback and must spend time rebuilding to get back to where they were before. 

It can be a cyclical process that demands endurance, resilience and bucketsful of love and support from those around us. 

Of course, each set of circumstances is unique and not everybody will spend that amount of time in treatment, but how can we keep positive through the ups and downs? How can we stay on the right track if our brains are screaming at us to revert? What are the most effective ways to remain motivated during recovery?

Remember the reasons you started 

It can be really helpful to make a list of reasons to recover and use it as a reference point when you feel like pulling back.

You can include the negative impact your eating disorder has on your physical health, the space it commandeers in your head and everything that it prevents you from doing. It might also help you to write down what you would like to do once you have progressed on your recovery journey and the things you can enjoy more if you weren’t being restrained by your condition.

Surround yourself with positivity

It can be hard to stay motivated when there are negative people and influences around you. These can be friends and family members, colleagues and online channels.

Whilst it’s very difficult to distance yourself from people, you can choose which profiles to follow on social media and who you engage with digitally more easily and ensure your down-time is not spent being drained by unnecessary comparisons and feelings of inadequacy. If your networks aren’t uplifting and inspiring you, it might time to seek some healthier ones.

Incentivise yourself

It can really help to have an incentive or something to reward your progress with if you start to feel directionless. Whether it’s material like a new item of clothing or gadget, or an experience such as a holiday it can really boost your morale and keep you on the right track. 

You may also benefit from planning to undertake a new qualification or make a lifestyle change like a different career path once your health improves. Whatever feels exciting and motivating, try and factor it into your recovery goals. 

Keep talking 

If you’re finding it all too much or dipping in motivation then it’s key that you confide in someone you trust.

Whether it’s a friend or family member, colleague or medical professional, they can support you to stay on track and remind you of the benefits of recovery. Talking can take the power away from the temptation to revert and this could in turn help to prevent a relapse. 

Self-care 

It’s a massive change that you’re undertaking, trying to improve difficult thoughts and behaviours that have become engrained over the years, so it’s important to look after yourself.

Try to factor 20 minutes into each day to do something for yourself that you will enjoy. It could be a gentle walk outdoors, colouring or crafts, reading, listening to music or a podcast, or taking a warm bath. If it resets your mind and makes you feel calm then that’s going to really help you when it all gets too much. 

Hopefully you can take something away from this blog and use it on your recovery journey.

Remember – resilience is key, setbacks are temporary, and a better life awaits you on the other side.

G x

Happy Volunteers Week!

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Without a doubt, First Steps ED has played a huge role in my journey to recovery. 

From attending my first support group five years ago to today, I have so much to thank them for and can’t imagine where my path would have led without their help. 

I’m not quite where I need to be yet, but I’ve come a long way and First Steps has changed my perspective for the better whilst showing immense compassion. 

I owe them such a lot.

It’s this unwavering patience and constant support that inspires me to give something back. It’s hard to thank an organisation that have helped you turn your life around and at times nothing I could think of seemed enough. 

What I do know though, is that First Steps really values their volunteers and the contribution that they make, so giving my time to support such a worthy cause feels like a fitting way to say ‘thank you’. 

It’s not only them that benefits, volunteering has a hugely positive impact on me too in various ways…

It’s so rewarding 

I’ve had several jobs over the years but none have been as fulfilling and rewarding as the voluntary work I’ve done for First Steps. It makes me feel a sense of pride that I’ve spent my time improving peoples’ lives or educating them about eating disorders and the associated mental health difficulties. Not many of my paid roles have offered this same level of satisfaction and left me feeling like I’ve made a difference. 

I’ve made lifelong friends

My voluntary work has brought me into contact with so many fantastic, likeminded people, many of whom I now consider my closest friends. Most of First Steps’ volunteers have lived experience of an eating disorder or caring for somebody with one meaning we share a strong common bond that’s quite unique. I’ve enjoyed countless coffee dates, nights out and even a baby shower and wedding with my fellow volunteers and feel confident that we’ll all be friends for a very long time. 

I can do something I’m passionate about

Volunteering for First Steps has really ignited a passion in me to work in mental health and I doubt I would have realised it without them. When your life is touched by something for such a long time it helps you realise what truly matters to you and for me, it’s improving the lives of fellow sufferers. I love that my work with First Steps allows me to do this and when I can see the impact my efforts are making, it’s incredible. 

It’s a positive distraction

Volunteering to help others is one of the most beneficial things you can do for your own wellbeing. Studies have found that when you stop thinking about your own problems and focus on someone other than yourself, your stress levels start to decrease. I really believe that helping to empower people who may be less fortunate than myself is a great way to calm my busy mind. 

It’s given me great opportunities 

I have no doubt that without First Steps I would never have been offered the amazing opportunities I have. I’ve been entrusted to facilitate my own support groups, input into new services, write blogs and educational materials, be interviewed on the radio and speak to room-fulls of university students, mental health trainees and medical professionals. It’s been remarkable to not only experience these wonderful things but gain confidence and skills from them that will benefit me in both my career and personal life.  

If you’ve been inspired, why not consider volunteering for a charity or community group close to your heart!

G x

It’s OK not to be OK…

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Today. Tomorrow. Any day.

This week may be mental health awareness week but that doesn’t mean we should stop speaking out when it ends.

The louder the conversations, the more likely we can incite positive change and make mental health services more accessible to the many not the few.

Keep talking and spreading the word.

G x

The very unglamorous and expensive side of eating disorders…

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It’s not easy having an eating disorder.

For many of us sufferers we lack certain nutrients that we don’t get from food so supplements are the best way to keep as healthy as possible.

I’ve lost count of the different types I’ve tried over the years and this photo is just a snapshot of what I’ve got on the go at the moment.

There are vitamin drinks, calcium and magnesium tablets and probiotics to help keep levels high.

Digestion can commonly be all over the place too so having high fibre supplements and colon cleansers is essential. Oh the joy!

If that’s not fun enough, there are tablets and soothers for tummy cramps and bloating and some hormone regulation meds too. Not to mention the classic Fortijuices which are pretty unpleasant tasting high calorie drinks to help with meal replacement.

I dread to think how much I’ve spent on stuff like this over the years. I know it’s for the best to get in the key nutrients I don’t always get from food but not ideal or particularly sustainable.

Great motivation to get better though!

My first Eating Disorders lecture

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If the pandemic has taught me anything, it’s that I want to spend my time doing things that help people and make a difference. Things that are more worthwhile.

This week I got the opportunity to present to a group of Child and Youth Studies students at the University of Derby about eating disorders in young people.

It was brilliant!

I used all of my own experience and resources from the charity I work with and put a presentation together to help the group understand these complex conditions better. I learnt a lot of new facts along the way too.

We covered the visible and less common signs that someone might be struggling as well as misconceptions and created a toolkit of skills to support a young person.

The class was so engaged, asking thoughtful and insightful questions. I couldn’t have asked for anything better.

It was such a rewarding experience and the feedback was really positive. Everyone learnt something from my time with them and I really felt like I had made an impact.

I love days like this!

G x

Why we should all #DumpTheScales!

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Imagine being told that your leg wasn’t broken enough to warrant treatment, despite you being unable to walk.

Or that you weren’t yet deaf enough to require hearing aids even though you could no longer make out what people were saying to you.

Eating disorders are not just about weight loss and low BMI yet people across the UK are being refused treatment for not meeting the criteria, forcing them to get worse to access much needed help.

It’s not right and action is needed!

When my problems with food started, I distinctly remember my GP saying that usually you have to join long waiting lists for therapy but given that my weight was low they might be able to see me faster.

I wasn’t yet at crisis point but I was underweight, and I had a six month gap between my initial assessment and my first appointment.

Fast forward to the present day when I sadly relapsed and went down that all too familiar path of food restriction and over-exercise, my friends were telling me to get some help quick.

“There’s no such thing.” I said, “it’s all based on your BMI and mine won’t be low enough to qualify.”

Well sadly I was both wrong and right – patients do have to meet an incredibly low BMI criteria and unfortunately I now had, allowing me to access some much needed support in a very short space of time.

Whilst there’s no doubt that the help I am now getting has been invaluable in stopping my difficulties worsening and slowly turning my thoughts and behaviours around, no-one should have to be that thin and unwell before they are taken seriously.

I know people that have long battled their eating disorders in secret and finally plucked up the courage to speak out only to be told their BMI is too high to be eligible for therapy.

Such news often leaves them with no alternative but to lose even more weight, putting their health at further risk and causing potentially irreversible damage.

Thankfully there are third sector organisations that don’t discriminate and help anyone facing difficulties with their ability to eat, body image and exercise levels. They do invaluable work and bridge the gap that NHS services commonly leave.

It goes without saying that physical health is hugely important, and when patients are either at, or fast approaching, a very low weight they clearly need urgent care. But the treatment of eating disorders should not be solely based on someone’s BMI as it so often is at the moment.

Anorexia sufferer and campaigner Hope Virgo has long fought for fairer treatment for those experiencing eating disorders and commenced her ‘dump the scales’ petition three years ago in support of this.

She needs 150,000 signatures to encourage further debates in parliament, asking the government to ensure that nobody is turned away purely on the basis of their weight.

I fully support Hope’s endeavours and encourage others to do the same here.

Please consider signing her petition to make a difference to those suffering eating disorders.

G x

This week I was on the radio!

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It’s not often you find yourself being interviewed on the radio – but not every week is dedicated to eating disorders awareness either!

Last Tuesday, I was privileged and honoured to be invited onto Derby Sounds radio station to talk about Eating Disorders Awareness Week (EDAW) and how the charity I work for is marking the occasion.

I’ll let you listen for yourselves, but I was asked all about the wonderful First Steps ED and the many services they offer as well as our campaign to highlight this year’s EDAW topic of binge eating disorder and how the community can get involved.

I really enjoyed the experience and was surprised by how quickly I forgot it was actually an interview not a general chit-chat! The presenter Jayne was lovely and so easy to talk to – she made it a pleasure of an experience.

If you’d like to hear the interview and find out more about First Steps ED then please click here to listen .